Monday, February 14, 2005

Secrets, secrets secrets

I received the following message via email the other day:
Mr. Krauss,
If the Guild you say is so secret, how can tell everyone about it? Won't they kill you or something? I would.

First of all, if you're going to insist on formalities, it's Rev. Krauss. I may not take confession or pass out fucking crackers and wine at the Holy Snacktime, but I'm ordained, damn it.

Secondly, you're missing some words.

Finally, I never said it was secret; the Guild doesn't give a shit if I tell people, because on the large scale, nobody will ever believe it.

Let me elaborate: The Guild refers to its existence (and the existence of vampyrs) as "the secret we tell everybody." The only level of awareness we care about is what we call global credulity. If anybody ever found any bit of evidence that could prove beyond a doubt to the world that the Guild and vampyrs exist outside of bad novels and tv shows, we'd suppress it. But other than that, talk away. Everybody will think you're crazy anyhow.

The only reason we care about this minor level of secrecy is that we don't know how people would react to this nasty bit of information, and whether or not they'd get in our way. The Guild is not officially sanctioned by the United States, or any other government (save some small, useless bits of land in the Eastern bloc), and we don't want to see the work we do federalized. Plus, people are nuts; I guarantee within 6 months of such a revelation, some hippy lobbying group would start putting bills on the table to protect the rights of these blood-drinking fuckwits.

But short of world-wide acceptance of our existence, we encourage people to study up on vampyr mythology. That way, if you're ever in a position to actually see this shit with your own eyes, you won't be a total fucking moron about it - you'll at least have a context with which to focus your paranoia.

Occasionally, we have to use non-Guild contractors or friends of victims to take care of vamp problems. We avoid this hocus-pocus bullshit and tell them straight-out what's up. The few who felt like telling people about it afterwards ended up on heavy doses of anti-psychotics at their local nut farm.

I take that back. One wrote a book, which was made into a movie, which sucked rectum and tanked at the box office.

A few years back, we had a bit of a publicity scare. A particularly repudiated reporter found some verifiable evidence about a vampyr colony in the north Bronx. The Guild was all a-flutter: "Are we going to have to kill him? Blah blah blah." Turns out, all it took was sending a smooth talker in to explain to this guy what would really happen to his reputation if he brought the story to the Times. The conversation didn't last long.

Oh, and by the way, you'd kill me? No, I'd laugh in your face while I beat you about the head with your own leg.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey, i'm 90 percent sure this shit isn't real, but there's some pretty weird shit happening out here in kingsland, tx. so i thought i'd check.

dhkrauss said...

My email is in my profile. Email me some more information, and I'll let you know whether I think you're dicking me around or not.

Anonymous said...

Hello Reverend Krauss. I was just wondering, how people can become vampyr hunters? I am only 16 but I know what I would like to do when I am older - be a vampyr hunter or a vampirologist/demonologist. I have always been deeply interested in demons, especially vampyrs. I know quite a lot about these creatures, although I am not fully sure wether the information i have is correct as it all comes from various websites on the net. I just wanted to know where people can go to study these subjects, and how to become vampyr hunters, etc. I would be prepared to go any where to do this as soon as I am old enough, although it would be best if you knew of any places in the UK.

dhkrauss said...

Kid,

Seriously, you don't want this job.

Now, I don't know anything about demonology, but if you want to study vampyrism, go right on ahead - but trust me, you don't want to hunt. It's not glamorous, it's not cool; it's crap work, and you don't even get dental. Well, you get one of those dental "discount" plans, but if you're 16, you probably don't know what I'm talking about yet.

The Guild employs a small number of English-speaking researchers - both scientific and historical - and you might be able to get a job there. How do they recruit? No fucking idea. I was recruited while urinating on a chain-link fence.

My advice? Go to college, get a degree in history or something like that (if you want to study lore and vampyr iconography) or biology (if you want to do scientific research). Do your master's or doctoral dissertation on vampyr-related topics, and wait to be contacted. Then, if the Guild doesn't notice, at least you'll have a decent degree under your belt.

But really - DO NOT HUNT. It sucks ass; no lie.

Anonymous said...

lol, thanks for the advice.

Anonymous said...

ha...ha..ha. (sarcastically) your funny. a chain-link fence, your fucking cool aint you, you tosser. peeing up a fence,oooo your so hard. you fucking common piece of shit, your nothing but a lowlife pleb who has no job. GET A FUCKING UNIMAGINARY JOB YOU FOOL. take your shitty advice and shove it up your tight arse crack you fucking cod piece. hmmmmmph. i made my point, you will be hearing from me again soon. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

dhkrauss said...

Interesting.

Somebody's sure got their panties in a twist.

I really could give a shit, kid, if you believe what I tell you or not; I've said as much. But what's it to you? Why so hostile? I mean, hell... if I am making this shit up, then it's just another nutty blog, eh, so why take the time to post all this shit?

I'm sorry that the girls in your junior high don't notice you, I really am. And I'm sorry that our education system has so failed you that you can't construct a proper contraction. And I'm sorry about what is no doubt a terrible case of acne you're afflicted with. But I didn't have anything to do with that shit, so...

Anywho, I'm letting you know that I'll be deleting the vast majority of your posts under all the various names; they irritate me, and they greatly reduce my opinion of the collective intelligence of the world. If I were you, I'd lay off the blogs a tad. Maybe you could try reading a book? A very simple book?

Unknown said...

The book was kick-ass. The movie blew donkey dick.

You still alive?