Don't try this at home

I've been getting an alarming number of emails from readers asking for advice on hunting fang-fags.

I cannot stress this enough: Do not go hunting. Leave it to the pros, even if we do occasionally seem like wankers.

Hunting vampyrs is dangerous fucking work. Without proper training - which isn't to say I had proper training, but I've had a quirky ass-load more than you - your chances of surving a hunt are about equal to my chances of getting picked to be the next Bachelor.

Even worse, hunting vampyrs is damn fine way to kill completely innocent - if somewhat creepy - civilians. If I had a nickel for every time some freak went off his meds and stabbed some poor dude just because he was ugly and worked a night shift, I'd have... well, about $4.35.

You want to get some holy water? Fine. Put it in a reliable water pistol and carry it around (keep it hidden, though, unless you want people to think you're a complete ass). Holy water's okay; it won't hurt anybody unless they're the real deal. But don't go around stabbing people with silver, because 9 times out of 10 you'll find out it was an unemployed mother of two with insomnia.

Seriously. If you see some suspicious shit, report it to the police. They might think you're nuts, but odds are we're monitoring the police frequency (yes, we actually pay people to do this shit) and if it raises flags, somebody uglier and more qualified than you will respond. Meanwhile, wear a cross and stay in your house at night. Billy, don't be a hero.

Vampire Hunter Kit - Great eBay Deal!

Do I even have to say anything? This would be hilarious, if it wasn't a damn good way to get eaten.

Look, buddy. What you've got there is a cheap suitcase full of ways to get your dumb ass killed.

Let's take a look:

We got two cheesy "silver" tipped rods for "staking" the vampyr. If those are silver, and I mean sterling, I'll eat my crossbow. Not that it matters; with cheap aluminum shafts, they'd crumple the minute you struck them with a mallet.

There's one of those stupid little paper-back New Testaments that church weirdos hand out on street corners. According to the seller, it "IS USED TO READ THE GOSPEL OVER CHILDRENS HEADS AS A REMEDY AGAINST ATTACKS AND ALSO FOR EXORCISM (his excessive capitalization, not mine)." Look, bud: you can't perform an exorcism without being a priest; even I know that. And reading the bible won't keep vamps from eating your rugrat. It's a nice idea, but it's stupid. What are you, a Christian Scientist?

There is a container of "red liquid," used to (and I quote) "INTISE THE VAMPIRE OR LEAD HIM TO WHERE HE IS MOST VENERABLE." First of all no vampyr in the history of the world has ever been venerable. Buy a dictionary. Secondly, while you're setting up your ET-style trap, the vamp's eating your ugly wife.

There is actually a vial of poppy seeds, which this dude thinks will make the vampyr start to count them and protect you. I'm not sure which is dumber; the idea of vampyrs that can count, or throwing the seeds off your muffin at vampyr to protect yourself.

Some holy water and a cross, not bad. But why be so ornamental about it?

Bags for putting salt in. You know what salt is good for? French fries. Not protection against man-sized predators.

This is my favorite: "THERE ARE 4 LEAD FILLED BRASS TEMPERATURE RELEASED CAPSULES. ONE WAY OF DESTROYING A VAMPIRE IS TO BURN IT IN ITS COFFIN AND BY PLACING ONE OF THESE CAPSULES IN THE EDGE OF THE ENCLOSURE THE LEAD WILL RELEASE AT 255 DEGREES AND SEAL THE COFFIN SHUT" Even if these James Bond firecrackers worked like you said they would, buddy, that is some astounding logic. It would be stupid even if they did sleep in coffins, which they don't - they sleep in piles of newspaper and old clothes, like overgrown gerbils. Overgrown gerbils with fangs and halitosis.

There's a cheap hunting knife for - this is great - decapitation. Have you ever tried cutting through spinal column and neck grizzle with a dull 12" blade? In a hurry, no less? A hatchet, yes. A machete, even better. But a knife? Get a grip.

Personally, I think you should stick to making tinfoil hats so the aliens can't read your thoughts.

There's a reason we wear leather.

So, I'm back after another unexpected leave of absence. I haven't felt much like typing in a while, considering that I'm recovering from major lacerations on my right forearm due to an attack from a "wild dog."

I should probably start by telling you about this ridiculous package I received about a week after that fucking book came in the mail. This one contained this shitty black stretchy cotton/spandex type deal with what looked like a ballistic nylon snow vest with a high collar.

It was my new "uniform."

First let me say that it is 150 de-fucking-grees in San Marcos.

But what the hell, y'know? I've gotten enough grief from the damn Guild over the past few months, I figured I'd play along and wear their ridiculous outfit for a hunt or two.

And that's what got me bit.

First of all, wearing this thing, I looked like an extra from Better Off Dead. If you've never heard of this movie, then you should fuck off - you're too young to be reading about vampyrs and stuff. The collar - apparently designed to keep vamps from biting your neck - made me feel as though I was being constantly strangled by someone with the upper-body strength of an 85-year-old woman.

Whoever designed this thing has been watching the movie Monster Squad far too often. Vamps only go for the neck as a matter of convenience, because it's the anatomical location most akin to the tap on a beer keg. If they cannot get at the throat, however, they'll cheerfully bite your leg or your shoulder or your... arm. Fuckers.

See, I usually wear a beat-up leather jacket, which serves three purposes:

1. It's black, so it provides some degree of camo at night. Not against vamps, which go more by sense of smell than anything else, but from cops and people who call cops and other people who might ask you for money or something.


2. It provides a modicum of protection against asphalt, brambles, fangs, and fingernails. Most importantly, it keeps your skin from burning when a vamp goes up in flames.


3. It's much easier to get vampyr ash off of leather than any other textile I've tried.

So I'm out day-hunting in my shiny new Guild fag-vest, and I come across this sleeping vamp. Normally, I'd drag his unconcious ass out to get a tan, but this guy's at least 350 lbs. I could Jeep-winch him out, but that would probably drag him through at least four crumbling drywall partitions and a plate glass window, which might attract some unwanted attention.

So I get out the mallet and stake. I figured this guy was about 72% lard, so it'd slide right in. Unfortunately, the guy was denser than I thought, and the stake didn't make it all the way in the first time. He woke up, screamed like a little girl, and lunged at me with a mouth in desperate need of Listerine.

Instinctively, I blocked with my arm, thinking about the leather cuff that was supposed to be there. Oops.

What made it worse is that the guy's fangs got caught in the stretchy Latino dancer undershirt the Guild included with their useless vest. So he's caught in my sleeve, and I'm trying to use that hand to hammer the stake in. I finally managed to switch mallet hands and clumsily club Shamu into submission, but not before he'd put about 42 stitches worth of bite marks on my arm. Dick.

Needless to say, I'm back in my jacket, and that goddamned "uniform" is being used to clean my toilet... left-handed.