Theories of origin

I have never been one for theories. I don't care how the damn things got here; I just want them dead. So unless a theory can provide me with some good, solid extermination tips, it can kiss my ass.

But some people like theories. So here you go.

1. Biblical Figures - I'm going to lump these together 'cause there's a bunch of them. Biblical origin theories suggest that one biblical figure or another was turned into a vampyr as a punishment. These figures include Cain, Judas, Pilate, Caiaphus, and others. They also include Lilith, which is not strictly from the Bible, but whatever. The theory goes that this newly punished vampyr was cursed to walk eternally, drink blood for sustenance, and be the object of God's everlasting wrath (hence the cruciphobia).


2. Vlad the Impaler. Theorists often disagree on the identity of the historical figure in this model, but Vlad is as good a hypothetical as possible. The "Vlad" theory is that someone - probably a brutal ruler - made a pact with the Devil to gain the power needed to overcome his enemies. The blessing - and the curse - was vampirism. This is one of the more reasonable theories.


3. Virus. This is a stupid theory, and you are stupid if you believe it. This theory suggests that vampirism is the result of some hemetological condition that a) makes people drink blood, and b) causes photo-sensitivity.
   
   That is, if you call bursting into flames in direct sunlight "photo-sensitivity."
   
   Nobody who has actually seen a vampyr will back this theory. The allergy to silver, the necessity for consecrated weaponry, the whole burning in sunlight thing - all of these suggest something much more deeply supernatural than a virus.
   
   A virus. Please.


4. Demonic possession - Some theorists believe that vampyrs are created when a blood-borne demon enters the system. They suggest that a single demon with a blood-lust merged with a human and that parts of that demon's essence are transmitted through blood, infecting the new individual with that demon's will. This theory would explain why some vampyr packs seem to operate with a rudimentary hive mind. It would also explain why the older, more concentrated vampyrs - such as the vrykolakas - have more stamina and power than the younger, more diluted caste. This theory is not mutually exclusive, and has been combined with theories #1 and #2 by some forward-thinking mythologists.


5. Fallen Angels - According to the Apocrypha, over 1/3 of the heavenly host fell with Lucifer. Some of those fallen angels may have landed on earth and fallen into madness, without God's love or Lucifer's charm to direct them. Then they may have started sucking blood and hanging out in crypts. Sound stupid? That's because it is.


6. Eternal - One of the more prevalent theories is that the vampyr has always been here, a product of the dark void that existed before the earth and mankind did. Certainly there are reports of vampyr-like entities that pre-date Christianity. Perhaps the modern vampyr has evolved from more primitive vampiric species. Ah, theology and evolution together at last.

Vampyr advantages

PHYSICAL ABILITIES

It is important to separate fact from fiction when assessing the physical abilities of vampyrs. While popular mythology may depict vampyrs as creatures that can fly, turn into mist, transform into animals, and hypnotize, these attributes are simply not present. A vampyr's abilities include the following:

1. Regeneration - A vampyr can regenerate organic material at astounding rates. While this ability differs from vampyr to vampyr, a large gash (9-12 in. long, 2-3 in. deep) can typically heal within 3 hours. However, a vampyr's healing ability is much like that of a human: vampyrs cannot re-grow lost limbs.


2. Immortality - As long as the head and heart remain intact and connected, a vampyr will continue to live. Refer to the section entitled "Killing the Undead" for more information:


3. Sight - Vampyrs have night vision roughly equal in accuity to that of a feline. Their vision seems to be perfect, regardless of what their vision was in human life. Vampyrs have not, however, demonstrated an ability to see any further, or with any more detail, than a human in bright conditions.


4. Hearing - Vampyrs have acute hearing; field tests have shown their auditory sensors to be 3 times as sharp as that of a human.


5. Smell - Vampyrs demonstrate a powerful olfactory sense, and have been known to track pedestrian prey for miles. General rule of thumb: if a German Shepard can smell it, so can a vamp.


6. Taste - Vampyrs seem to have a peculiar sensory awareness of blood. They appear to be able to taste emotive hormones in blood, and can distiguish the blood of previously tasted victims.


7. Psychic phenomena - While popular novels have depicted vampyrs who can read minds and mesmerize people, this is simply not the case in dealing with common vampyrs (there is not enough evidence as yet to draw conclusions about the telepathic characteristics of vrykolakas - see below). Vampyrs do, however, appear to be able to pick up on certain strong emotions through taste and smell.


8. Strength - vampyr strength is roughly approximate to that of 3 men.


9. Agility - A vampyr's crowning attribute is its agility. Capable of incredible acrobatic stunts, it is no wonder that the vampyr has gained a reputation for being able to fly. A vampyr can jump twice as far as an athletic human and land without sound. This makes them particularly dangerous in buildings with rafters or beams.


10. Climbing - A vampyr's creepiest trick its its ability to climb - a vampyr can crawl around on the walls and ceiling, in defiance of gravity. No one has, as yet, determined how they do this.


11. Transmission - Vampirism must be transmitted intentionally by a vampyr; most victims simply die. The transmission of vampirism involves forcing a victim to drink a vampyr's own blood. This leaves the vampyr incredibly weakened; as such, vampyrs do not do this often.

Killing the dead

There are a number of valid ways to kill a vampyr. None of them involve garlic. The only thing garlic will kill is your sex life.

1. Stake through the heart. A stake through the heart will work, but this is not as simple as grabbing a fence picket and giving a vampyr what-for. First of all, the stake has to be constructed from ash wood. Secondly, it has to be what is known as a grave stake, a cross that is designed to be driven into the ground as a stake. The cross can be crude or fancy; it doesn't matter. It must, however, be consecrated for use in blessing the dead. For this, I suggest getting ordained. Sure, the Bible's a big book, but reading it beats the hell out of being eaten. If you can whisper a quick consecration (I've got it down to under 5 seconds), you're in the bag.
   
   Remember to pierce the heart entirely; you can't do this with your bare arms. You'll need a mallet to do this with. I suggest Sears; they have a great assortment of rubber mallets for a very reasonable price.
   
   It is unwise to attempt to stake a vampyr in combat; this method is too clumsy, as it requires two hands and precise aim. Instead, it is better to invade a sleeping vampyr nest and quietly stake them. This method is preferred for exterminating vampyrs that were once friends, as it is more dignified than decapitation.
   
   (Note: Ekkimu will not notice a stake through the heart, as their origin is not really the same as the vampyr. Forget the stake and get chopping.)


2. Silver through the heart. The whole thing about silver is its purity. Vampyrs can't stand purity (hence the consecrated ash wood). Silver through the heart will kill most weaker vampyrs. Silver through any other body part will sting like a bitch.
   
   However, just like with the stake, the silver must be consecrated. Everything must be consecrated for this job. Everything I own is consecrated. Everything.
   
   A note on silver bullets: Silver makes for bad bullets. It is too soft for ballistic use, and may misfire or fail to puncture the rib cage at enough velocity to pierce the heart. If you must use a silver projectile, use a silver-tipped arrow or bolt. It may look archaic, but it works.
   
   I have heard of hunters using silver nitrate in various forms. This new-fangled shit doesn't hold much water, if you ask me. It will burn a vamp, but it will most likely not kill it, and holy water is a much cheaper vampyr corrosive. Forget silver nitrate.
   
   (Note: the silver method works only on young (stripling) vampyrus vulgaris. Ekkimu and vrykolakas will be unaffected by silver, and older vulgaris may survive a silver heart-wound.)


3. Decapitation. This is, oddly enough, the easiest way to kill a vampyr, once they've been weakened with an assortment of other (consecrated) crap. I recommend a machete for this purpose. It's lightweight and you can purchase one at any major gardening store.
   
   You do not have to consecrate an object for use in decapitation. Separate the head from the body, and you've won. It doesn't matter how you do it. However, having a holy machete does have its advantages. It cuts a little easier, hurts them a little more, and just generally makes you feel pretty cool having it.


4. Fire. Fire will kill a vampyr, so long as it is entirely consumed, and burned completely to ashes. Vampyrs are not, however, any more combustible than humans, so fire can be a really tricky tool. You need a lot of it, and you need to keep the vampyr - which, unlike a human, will not die quickly - from moving around and putting itself out. For these reasons, I don't recommend fire as a combative tool in most circumstances.


5. Direct sunlight - Ah, the old standby. Sunlight. Vampyrs can not stand sunlight. Some of the old ones can take a little ambient sunlight, but there isn't a vamp alive that can take the God-light at full blast. They will burst into flames. This is by far the easiest, least risky, and most satisfying way to kill a vampyr, as it is one of the only vamp-lethal weapons that can't be turned against you.
   
   Be aware that a flaming vampyr can still cause damage, if only by setting other things on fire. You may want to keep a fire extinguisher handy for this purpose. However, you must let a vampyr burn out entirely. When a vamp burns, all that can be left is ashes. A vampyr in sunlight will usually take 30 seconds to incinerate entirely, depending on size and age.

Ignore Anne Rice

First, I intend to dispel what I consider to be the 6 worst myths about vampyrs. No doubt anyone who reads this will take it as fiction, and that's fine. But should you ever find yourself in a situation to believe otherwise, remember what I say here.

1. The word "vampyr" is spelled with a "y," damn it. The "-ire" suffix is an attempt to Anglicize something that is far older than the English language. Technically, the oldest word we have is "vampyr," so I'm sticking with that.


2. Vampyrs are not particularly intelligent creatures. Our culture has a wholly unhealthy interest in depicting these creatures as some kind of transcendant "creature of the night," far superior in intelligence and sex appeal than the average human. I blame Anne Rice.


3. In reality, vampyrs are more animal than human. They burrow in nests, cover their faces in gore while feeding, and have wild, feral eyes. However, unlike most animals - whose survival instinct is pure and without philosophical taint - vampyrs enjoy the kill.
   
   Vampyrs can talk, and have cognitive skills - most could pass for particularly brutish humans. But in the throes of blood-lust, they are desperately stupid with greed, and this is how mankind has survived in their presence.


4. Vampyrs are not attractive. I won't pretend to understand exactly what these things are, but I can tell you this - whatever it is, it's unholy. And it creates an unholy stench.
   
   Vampyrs aren't big on hygiene.
   
   Their semblance to the humans they once were serves as more of a mockery than anything else. Whatever inhabits the once-human body of a vampyr uses the body like some sort of macabre meat-puppet. Despite their cunning and stealth, they shamble awkwardly; in 2000 years of existence, they have never really gotten the hang of human movement (see debunked myth #2). Oh, yeah. And they snarl.


5. Vampyrs do not pass as human. Vampyrs can't really hide what they are. Their eyes have a strange luminescence, which is probably what allows them to see so well at night. Sometimes, they'll wear sunglasses to cover the odd glow. Usually, they'll pick up whatever is laying on the ground, which can result in a rather humurous appearance (imagine a snarling, fetid vampyr wearing day-glo orange 80s sunglasses with "Dave's Pub" written on the side).
   
   Their teeth are bad. They do not have the clean set of choppers with prolonged canines we gleaned from countless vampire movies. Vampyrs have fucked-up teeth. Their teeth are too big for their mouths; the demon that possesses them is obviously too proud to adapt his teeth to his new host. All of them are sharp, although the canines are, admittedly, the longest and sharpest.
   
   They do not have a "game face," as popularized in that stupid TV show. They always look like that. But I will give them this: they do know how to skulk. A vampyr can hide in the shadows, making just enough use of the street light to look like an attractive or helpless young girl. Let me tell you, nothing wilts a boner faster than a vampyr's first step into full light.


6. Vampyrs do not give a shit about running water. They don't bathe, but that's just because they're gross. They have no qualms about crossing running water to eat your ass. I've seen far too many people become vampyr snacks because they stopped to "neener-neener" after they crossed running water. Fucking morons.


7. Vampyrs do not turn into dust when they are killed, unless they are 1) burned to ashes, 2) very, very old. When staked or decapitated, the body of a vampyr reverts to the level of decomposition that it would naturally suffer from if the corpse had been allowed to decompose unmolested. For example, a three-week-old vamp would turn into a three-week-old (read: exquisitely disgusting) corpse, while a 100 year-old vamp would turn into dust (theoretically, anyway - nobody's ever reported killing a vulgaris that old).
   
   This makes no scientific sense whatsoever, which steals further credence from attempts to explain the vampyr phenomenon in scientific context.