Saturday, July 30, 2005

Don't try this at home

I've been getting an alarming number of emails from readers asking for advice on hunting fang-fags.

I cannot stress this enough: Do not go hunting. Leave it to the pros, even if we do occasionally seem like wankers.

Hunting vampyrs is dangerous fucking work. Without proper training - which isn't to say I had proper training, but I've had a quirky ass-load more than you - your chances of surving a hunt are about equal to my chances of getting picked to be the next Bachelor.

Even worse, hunting vampyrs is damn fine way to kill completely innocent - if somewhat creepy - civilians. If I had a nickel for every time some freak went off his meds and stabbed some poor dude just because he was ugly and worked a night shift, I'd have... well, about $4.35.

You want to get some holy water? Fine. Put it in a reliable water pistol and carry it around (keep it hidden, though, unless you want people to think you're a complete ass). Holy water's okay; it won't hurt anybody unless they're the real deal. But don't go around stabbing people with silver, because 9 times out of 10 you'll find out it was an unemployed mother of two with insomnia.

Seriously. If you see some suspicious shit, report it to the police. They might think you're nuts, but odds are we're monitoring the police frequency (yes, we actually pay people to do this shit) and if it raises flags, somebody uglier and more qualified than you will respond. Meanwhile, wear a cross and stay in your house at night. Billy, don't be a hero.

23 comments:

The Unseen One said...

Excellent advice.

Watch your back out there, Reverend Krauss.

Anonymous said...

Will little water pistols filled with holy water really protect us? I'd think they move too fast for anything less than a Super Soaker 2000 to be effective. I'm just asking because even though I might look like a nut, I may want to carry sufficient firepower...er, waterpower.

The Unseen One said...

May a nest of vampires infest your buttcrack, benzh93ksandres.

Damn spammers.

Anonymous said...

ur a damn funny dude, ur also obviously insane get help....lots of love mrs vampyr

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmmmmm

Anonymous said...

do u have ne spare mallets? i mite need 2 protect myself fromthe nasty vampyrs......or vampyr hunters....dont get killed

Anonymous said...

lalalalalalalalalalalala kill ze nasty vampyrs.....die damn u!

Anonymous said...

I have noticed that you don't seem to reply to many of these comments, and you may wonder why I am wasting my time leaving a comment if you are not going to reply. Well, I just wondered how many times you have seen someone get their arteries torn at by the toothy bastards. I also wondered why you have not posted on your Blog recently....and I agree, dusty diaries are so passé...x

The Unseen One said...

I think ol' Rev. Krauss may have been overtaken by the denizens of the night.

Anonymous said...

So your the one then...?
San Marcos... its probly you.
Vampire Hunter should be verry carefull. If he isnt carefull something horrible might happen in the near future. Its more of a warning than a concern. You'd better hope it isnt you.

Anonymous said...

By the way, ever come across a half vampire? They dont live like "giant gerbils". Dont insult the perfect.

Anonymous said...

just replyin' on behalf of krauss to the post at 5:09 , fuck u jackass u will b staked soon enuff bloodfucker. keep fightin the good fight krauss.

Anonymous said...

dude!!!! wot the hell r u on. vampyres!!! u must be a complete buffy fan, r u sure ur not a 12yr old girl who has wannab slayer syndrome?!! i hav a few things to say to u 1) get a girlfriend (and not sum stupid tard who tries to slit their wrists) 2) get sum friends 3) stay off the booze it's causing hallucinations. thanks for listening. toodles

Anonymous said...

im concerned, does anyone know where daggy has gone? i havent heard from him in weeks, does anyone have any information, and if u do, please tell him to call me, he will know who this is. Thank u.

please help if you can.
im very worried.

Anonymous said...

to the poster at 4:01pm , those are pretty brave words for someone who hasnt got the guts to put thier name on a post. and fyi im 22 got a woman (one that doesnt cut) got a great group of mates and i dont drink , so stick that in ur proverbial pipe and smoke it.
fucker.

dhkrauss said...

i hope nobody minds if i type with no capitals, right? one-handed typing goes a lot faster without them. okay, responses... let's see...

anonymous (8:21 am), no - i've no spares, and if i did, i wouldn't pay to mail you a mallet. i'm guessing you missed the point of this entire entry?

kleinoooo... thanks for your great investor leads site! suck my balls, spam-bot!

anonymous (5:11 pm) - half vampyrs... hmm... pretty sure they can't breed. death does tend to lower the sperm count.

anonymous (4:01 pm) - i'm sorry; i don't speak moron. would you care to have somebody with an iq over 70 repost that for you so i can read it?

Anonymous said...

hi just a little something for mcgreary even though you did reply for krauss they were saying that to krauss NOT YOU the reason i'm wrighting this is because anyone coming online and publishing this sort of stuff to the whole world"yes lets keep it all low key we hunt vampire's i know lets put a blog on the internet"great plan now in some sense's it is something to help warn people if you will,but for fuck sake no matter what you all may think of vampire's give them some credit do you have evidence that says they can't type or string a sentance together?i'd like to know but you are only gonna say something like"i don't have to justify myself to you"or some crap like that and this is why people see this and say "hay fuck you buddy all he does is spout out shit"and"what a cock"do you kind of get that picture at all dude sort it out now.I'm kind of half and half,i see this blog and read through but there isn't much supporting evidence at all to help you all with your claims i'm not saying it's all bullshit but i'm in two minds whether you are all crack pots or if this is for real?sorry to take up so much space thanx for taking the time to read all this and sorry about the beging i can get carried away

russell

Anonymous said...

Dagmar Krauss, i do have an iq of over 70 but clearly you do not. oh and you do speak moron because all the stuff you've posted on this site is very moronic. if you can't read what i posted before here it is again. YOU MUST BE A COMPLETE BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER FAN. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL WITH WANNABE SLAYER SYNDROME. ADVICE: GET A GIRL FRIEND, GET SOME FRIENDS AND STAY OFF THE ALCOHOL BECAUSE IT IS PLAYING WITH YOUR BRAIN. and clearly you could read what i posted before (maybe you were trying to be sarcastic..... it doesn't work) next time get better come backs because that really sucked monkey cock.

Anonymous said...

ha ha russell i no who you are!!! and i no where you live and the people who live in that house!!!! tehehe!!!!

Anonymous said...

look mcgeary i couldn't give a fuck if you have gf, don't drink and have a great group of mates i wasn't talkin to you i was talking to krauss so butt the fuck out. what the hell gives you the right to talk to me about something that never involved you in first place.and i don't have a fuckin pipe so stick that in yours. my name is olivia, and i hadn't realised how to attach your name on the posts so piss off.

Anonymous said...

many apologies to krauss for everyone posting on his blog about me, and for me posting on his blog about me again but i figure the 'people' that have posted regarding me should know that i have my own blog that u can bitch to me or about me on so why dont u go ahead, it saves me coming round to krauss's blog to check my 'fanmail' hehehe. oh and olivia , u never said who u were speaking to in ur comment ,but thanks for clearing that up , at least i know which asshole im talking to with u now . have a good day all. McGeary.
ps , my pc is actin up so i cant sign this post properly. (hey im only human)

Anonymous said...

ok now im really confused mcgeary?!!!

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