Ignore Anne Rice

First, I intend to dispel what I consider to be the 6 worst myths about vampyrs. No doubt anyone who reads this will take it as fiction, and that's fine. But should you ever find yourself in a situation to believe otherwise, remember what I say here.

1. The word "vampyr" is spelled with a "y," damn it. The "-ire" suffix is an attempt to Anglicize something that is far older than the English language. Technically, the oldest word we have is "vampyr," so I'm sticking with that.


2. Vampyrs are not particularly intelligent creatures. Our culture has a wholly unhealthy interest in depicting these creatures as some kind of transcendant "creature of the night," far superior in intelligence and sex appeal than the average human. I blame Anne Rice.


3. In reality, vampyrs are more animal than human. They burrow in nests, cover their faces in gore while feeding, and have wild, feral eyes. However, unlike most animals - whose survival instinct is pure and without philosophical taint - vampyrs enjoy the kill.
   
   Vampyrs can talk, and have cognitive skills - most could pass for particularly brutish humans. But in the throes of blood-lust, they are desperately stupid with greed, and this is how mankind has survived in their presence.


4. Vampyrs are not attractive. I won't pretend to understand exactly what these things are, but I can tell you this - whatever it is, it's unholy. And it creates an unholy stench.
   
   Vampyrs aren't big on hygiene.
   
   Their semblance to the humans they once were serves as more of a mockery than anything else. Whatever inhabits the once-human body of a vampyr uses the body like some sort of macabre meat-puppet. Despite their cunning and stealth, they shamble awkwardly; in 2000 years of existence, they have never really gotten the hang of human movement (see debunked myth #2). Oh, yeah. And they snarl.


5. Vampyrs do not pass as human. Vampyrs can't really hide what they are. Their eyes have a strange luminescence, which is probably what allows them to see so well at night. Sometimes, they'll wear sunglasses to cover the odd glow. Usually, they'll pick up whatever is laying on the ground, which can result in a rather humurous appearance (imagine a snarling, fetid vampyr wearing day-glo orange 80s sunglasses with "Dave's Pub" written on the side).
   
   Their teeth are bad. They do not have the clean set of choppers with prolonged canines we gleaned from countless vampire movies. Vampyrs have fucked-up teeth. Their teeth are too big for their mouths; the demon that possesses them is obviously too proud to adapt his teeth to his new host. All of them are sharp, although the canines are, admittedly, the longest and sharpest.
   
   They do not have a "game face," as popularized in that stupid TV show. They always look like that. But I will give them this: they do know how to skulk. A vampyr can hide in the shadows, making just enough use of the street light to look like an attractive or helpless young girl. Let me tell you, nothing wilts a boner faster than a vampyr's first step into full light.


6. Vampyrs do not give a shit about running water. They don't bathe, but that's just because they're gross. They have no qualms about crossing running water to eat your ass. I've seen far too many people become vampyr snacks because they stopped to "neener-neener" after they crossed running water. Fucking morons.


7. Vampyrs do not turn into dust when they are killed, unless they are 1) burned to ashes, 2) very, very old. When staked or decapitated, the body of a vampyr reverts to the level of decomposition that it would naturally suffer from if the corpse had been allowed to decompose unmolested. For example, a three-week-old vamp would turn into a three-week-old (read: exquisitely disgusting) corpse, while a 100 year-old vamp would turn into dust (theoretically, anyway - nobody's ever reported killing a vulgaris that old).
   
   This makes no scientific sense whatsoever, which steals further credence from attempts to explain the vampyr phenomenon in scientific context.